Cold Hands, Safe Heart

I almost used the fireplace tonight.

My hands were cold.

I decided on coffee instead. I may regret that in a few hours.

My Poppies always said, “Cold hands, warm heart” … He also was known to say, “When I married your Mom’s, I gave her my heart, not my eyes.”

He was joking.

I have never known a more devoted man than my Poppies.

My Foster Father was the most wonderful Dad I could have asked for.

He was the first and only example I had in my youth of how a man could be loving with a woman.

He loved my Foster Mom with so much patience.

I have always felt that as stubborn as I am, I would need someone capable of handling me with that kind of patience.

There was a rule in my foster home that you didn’t go to bed angry or leave the house mad.

I wasn’t angry when I went to bed last night.

I almost wished for anger because it would be easier to stop thinking of you.

I was confused.

Now, I think there should be a rule that you don’t go to sleep with questions still in your head.

My confusion will never change if we never move past where we are.

You and I have spoken so many times in my mind.

Believe it or not, all those conversations I have never had are what make me want more from you.

I need someone who understands the way I question things.

Why do I feel like you would understand me?

I need someone who values the same things that I do.

Why do I feel that I wouldn’t have to explain that to you?

This isn’t a want.

I WANT a man to have a good head on his shoulders and to take care of himself.

But when it comes to values, that is not a want but a NEED.

I have realized that I require, more than anything, any relationship in which I have to be bonded over values.

I have been in practically nothing but long relationships, and all three of those long relationships taught me so much.

I loved them, and I know I was loved. But when you are with someone, you shouldn’t want them to change who they are to make you happy.

The bottom line is, if you ask them to change, why did you want to be with them in the first place?

I wanted that.

I wanted them to change.

I wanted them to value the same things that I do.

Being younger, I didn’t realize then how important that was to me.

Being younger, I didn’t realize how important it is to find someone with the values you are looking for in them because that is who they are, not because you think they have the potential to have them.

I have been thinking about dating in the last year.

I have researched and researched all the different dating websites, and then I didn’t join not one.

I never have.

A year later, that idea seems even crazier than it did back then.

How does anyone have a relationship when trying to start their own business?

I imagine they don’t.

How do you explain to someone the dedication needed to make a business get off the ground?

I very rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep as it is. It would be even less if I stayed up with you.

What about you? You are hours ahead of me.

How would you sleep?

I have a membership for a monthly massage and haven’t been there in months.

If I have difficulty making time for myself, how can I make the time that a new relationship requires?

When I contemplate using nothing but my common sense, everything I think about with you is not wise.

Where could a relationship go between you and me?

This may be the point.

This may be the reason.

If I occupy my mind with ideas that are close to impossible, that keeps me safe.

As unrealistic as this is, I love these thoughts of you.

I remember thinking at one time that it's better to go into a relationship with someone just telling each other, "Let's have an open relationship.”

NOT because this is what I want but because then I don’t have to worry about anyone doing anything behind my back.

It makes me in control.

It makes me at least feel like I am.

Setting myself up inevitably with what is to come on my terms.

I would instead allow something than to be played a fool.

Being in control makes me feel safe.

Everything about this feels safe.

When I think about you, every thought of your arms tells me I would be.

You are mine in this place where I dream, and I am yours.

You have given me no answers that could threaten my fairytale idea of you.

And as of yet, I have not had to answer to you to prove I am worthy.

The reality is that you are safe, after all; you are far from me.

Twice I have told you how I feel.

Twice, you have not responded.

I wanted you to. But I didn’t.

What would it be like to have you pursue me?

Twin flames cannot escape each other, although we may not be ready.

There's always a runner and a chaser.

Would you find me if I ran from you?

Are you afraid to expose what lies beneath what you show everyone else?

The half-measures you give of yourself while keeping people at arm's length would never be enough for me.

You wouldn’t be that way with me.

You already know that.

Would you find me if I tried to go?

Would you come to my door?

If you do, please let me remove the steel of your armour between us so I can look into your eyes beyond their blackness and finally understand your depth.

Would you search my eyes for the confirmation I am also looking for?

I imagine you holding my face steady so I can’t look away.

Your other hand finds the ends of my hair to pull me back with you, away from the hallway.

The urgency is in your body as one arm closes the door and the other pins me against it.

Closing my eyes, I get lost in finally having your skin against mine.

Still searching, you tell me, “Open your eyes.”

When I look there, I know you see the same as me, the same light and even the same darkness.

In my hallway, with no miles, time, or space between us, I don’t have to write to you anymore to convince myself or you of anything.