Beneath The Rain
I felt like being rebellious this morning.
I contemplated the following:
Leaving my bed unmade.
After my shower, I would leave my wet towel on the floor.
My biggest defiance of my rules for myself would be calling in to take a wellness day instead of going to work.
For me to even think the above sentence is hilarious.
Others may not agree, but I don’t believe in wellness days and can’t believe that that is even a thing.
Personally, it is when I am emotionally at my worst that I need work the most.
Still, it doesn’t stop me from thinking this almost daily on my way to my salary job.
I justify this by considering the weeks I work more than my required 50 hours, but still get paid the same.
I recently did a few double shifts, so why not?
I didn’t do any of the above.
As a child, I didn’t see the upside to having a military stepdad. Still, as an adult, I have realized there are significant benefits to spending years with someone who pushes you to be disciplined and responsible.
With two jobs and many other irons in the fire, my life would be much harder without being taught this discipline.
Without visiting you, I went to bed at 10:30 pm.
I set my coffee for 3:45 am and my alarm for 4.
I made my bed.
I ironed my clothes for work.
I ran two miles on the treadmill and didn’t cry when I was done.
I took my shower and made it out the door without breaking.
I wasn’t fine, but I pretended to be until I walked out of my house and into the rain.
I got in my car and turned up the music, attempting to drown out my feelings.
Even my music was determined not to help me, as one song after another reminded me of you.
Why, for the last two days, has it been raining?
It had to be because Pluto retrograde had to make a grand entrance with the worst weather ever.
It is fitting.
The planet of rebirth is all about endings and new beginnings.
The rain supposedly washes away the old and brings the new.
The night my Mom died and the day of her funeral, it rained; there are more bad recollections of rain and endings, but I don’t think I need to elaborate.
Isn’t the “new” supposed to be good?
It didn’t feel that way.
What I felt was the same engulfing desperation to get away that I felt right after Billy died.
To get away from my heart.
To get away from the emptiness.
To get away from feeling hopeless.
To get away from being alone.
Right before work, I took my glasses off at the red light, tried to clear my eyes, and got angry with myself.
Angry for falling apart.
Angry because I don’t want to be alone, yet I do.
Alone to feel.
Alone to let go.
Alone, so that it is okay for me not to be strong.
A knock at my office door told me I needed to pull myself together.
I heard my Assistant Manager's voice… “There's an unhappy Customer who wants to talk to you…”
Angrily, I wiped my face to remove any trace of my tears and put on my best game face as I swung open the door.
I should have known it was my Brother messing with me.
He had come to visit me on his lunch break, but had gotten my Assistant Karen involved in his cahoots against me.
He said, “I am the angry Customer…I want to know why you're out of my favorite Mountain Dew?”
I snapped at him. I told him, “It is not a day for jokes.”
He said, “What’s wrong with you…?”
I ushered him into my office away from everyone.
He said… “Have you been crying?”
I looked away from him and just nodded yes.
He asked me, “Why?”
“Because I am tired, David. I didn’t sleep well. Did you not wake up to the same clouds and pouring rain as I? I hate both my jobs…I hate being disciplined. I hate being on this hamster wheel. I hate everything.”
I paused, there was silence, and the tears started again.
“But do you know what I hate more than anything?
I hate doing the right thing.
Sometimes I want to do bad things.
I want to eat whatever I want, and not make my bed.
And when I take a shower, I want to leave my clothes thrown on the floor.
And sometimes I want to let myself love someone that I shouldn't”
In response to all of this, I should have known how he would answer…
He said firmly, “Come on, you're stronger than that.”
Angrily, I said, “You sound like Mom- that's what she used to say to me.”
He smiled and said, “ I know that was the point.”
You never told me that what I felt between us was felt alone.
Somehow, I knew this was not one-sided.
I know you feel this connection between us.
What other reason (in the past) would you mention wanting to continue that?
That is at the root of where I ache.
You are my person.
I believe that.
But you didn’t ask me to stay.
I should have expected that.
You didn’t tell me not to pull away.
I should have expected that, too.
What did I think would happen when I decided I should do the right thing?
I was never good at fishing.
I hardly ever caught anything.
Why would this be any different?
The truth is, I wanted to protect myself from you.
I wasn’t trying to fish.
But in hindsight, I didn’t realize that deep down, I was hoping for something to indicate that you don’t want me to give up on the possibility of a “us.”
In a month, I am hoping I will be thankful for your indifference.
I just have to get through tonight, tomorrow, and the week.
I have to get through May.