Some Lines Should Never Be Drawn
If you could be a fly on the wall and listen to my past work evaluations, you would hear that my strengths are my work ethic, strong sense of urgency, and ability to excel under pressure.
However, you would also hear about my many opportunities.
Number one on that list would be that I need to do less and delegate more. I have always had high standards for how I want tasks to be completed and prefer to do things myself to ensure that they are done the way I want.
Number two on that list would be that I should care less about the people I lead and more about the rules.
This is why I felt so justified when I heard Simon Sinek for the first time.
Because of him, I suddenly felt that my opportunities were more like strengths.
Simon Sinek spoke directly to my heart when I saw him in a video about why it is so important to communicate with a team about their company's why.
In the video I watched, Sinek discussed the importance of employers understanding and communicating a company’s or a leader’s purpose (why) because this is key to motivating individuals to want to participate in their company's success.
It inspires them to care if they can resonate with the company's or the leader's values.
Beyond sharing a company's values, what makes such an impact and inspires a company's team is when a leader listens.
Employees want to be seen, heard, and valued for their contributions.
Noticing that “Joe” made a difference to that customer or that “Sheila” went over and beyond when she cleaned the bathroom, although this lacks a monetary difference, tells them that what they did is valued.
I know from experience how special I feel when I am seen for something specific that I did, among so many others.
It is just as important to listen to your team and their input about their store, team, and Customers.
It is also just as essential to hear about their personal lives.
Sometimes, I want to be heard by my company, to know that someone is willing to listen to my concerns or give me feedback on my ideas.
Whether I receive that from my company or not, I ensure that this is what I give to my team.
I used to look for recognition from my employer.
As a leader, the difference I make to my team and store matters most to me now.
This does not benefit me financially, but it ultimately fulfills me in my work.
You must treat every individual as if they matter.
I treat my team the way that I have wished to be treated by my past employers.
Still, my company does not align with everything I believe in for my team.
There have been no raises for anyone in almost two years (My Assistant Karen and I are included).
Unfortunately, some things are beyond my control.
My company has not given anyone raises since the last cost-of-living raise, which has been a dark cloud over my store.
An increase in competition in our area has cut into our sales, and according to my company's owner, that means there is no room for pay increases when I give my teams evaluations.
I have encouraged everyone on my team to communicate in advance if they choose to go elsewhere.
I always ensure they understand that I would not blame them for wanting to go elsewhere (for higher pay) with groceries, rent, and so on increasing every year, how could I blame them?
Still, my turnover rate is small.
My remaining team will tell you that most of their reasons for staying are that they love working for Karen and me.
“It is what it is,” Karen said over the phone.
I told her, “I think we are saying that a lot recently….”
She laughed and said, “I agree.”
My Assistant and I realize there is no sense in getting upset about things we can’t change.
We knew ahead of time that his family member was in the hospital- I also knew that that family member helped to raise him.
If and when he lost her, we knew he would need time.
She passed away last night.
He would be out till at least Monday. Karen and I both understand this.
“I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst,” I told her while we reviewed the coming week’s schedule.
Our store inventory is this coming Wednesday.
We were blindsided and lost someone on the graveyard shift to a higher-paying job.
We also have someone else who has been absent (on graveyard) five out of the last nine days for medical reasons, and we are concerned that this may continue.
My assistant will tell you that I am constantly brainstorming potential scenarios based on our employees' current lives regarding whether or not we will have coverage for our store on a week-to-week basis.
I am also always contemplating how to cover for our store in preparation for these scenarios being played out.
Last week, Karen covered graveyard, and I worked a double on Monday.
Ahead of time, Karen and I often discuss which of us will cover in case of call-outs.
For example, we are concerned about this coming Sunday's swing and graveyard shifts.
We have already planned accordingly. Karen will work the graveyard, and I will leave my weekend day job and come for the swing shift if necessary.
The great thing about having a small store is that we are all close.
I can (usually) plan for my employees' absences because my team feels comfortable communicating with me, and I am aware of family events, Birthdays, graduations, and health issues.
Still, sometimes, it does not matter what backup plan I devise; some things even thwart that backup plan.
This is why, many days, I repeat the Serenity Prayer in my mind.
It is not any religion that makes me love the Serenity Prayer.
It is the need for me to find words to help me when I feel out of control or overwhelmed with unplanned events that sometimes take me by surprise.
I need to be disciplined and consistent to make my dreams come true.
Without being able to control my time at my salary job, how do I plan for the time it will take to complete the tasks that need to happen for me to reach my long-term business goals?
The line that is easiest not to cross:
Professionally, as much as I care for my work family, there are boundaries.
There are lines that I don’t cross.
Deep down, these work relationships are the easiest for me out of all the relationships one can have.
They are black and white.
They are safe. I don’t invest emotionally, so I don’t risk emotionally.
I know them, but because I am their leader, it is only right that they know less about me.
My team has asked me why I don’t go out to have breakfast with the team, and of course, it is easy to respond that, because of my position, I don’t do this.
These boundaries are easy for me to hold in place.
Creating lines by manifesting differently:
At my brother's house for Cinco De Mayo dinner, my love life appeared to need my family's attention.
“Weren’t you going to join a dating website…?” She asked me.
I answered, “Well, yes…but that was before. I had thought about that earlier last year. Before I committed to all the steps to opening my online store and before I started my second part-time job.”
My brother's wife learned about you from my brother and was now apparently determined to find me someone else to be interested in.
She said, “Okay, well, you know what I do when I want something, like more money in my life?”
I said, “What’s that?”
She continued, “I manifest. I think about exactly what I want and then I think it and say it daily out into the world, so before you join this dating website, we should talk about exactly what you want in this man.”
Of course, my Son had to give his two cents to his Aunt regarding his Momma.
My Son said, “I told my Mom I don’t think this dating website idea is a good one, I mean people can lie, and most of those are just about hooking up, and that is not what she wants.”
I told them both, “I had already planned on being selective on the dating websites I would join. I would only consider joining ones that require the most monthly money, so hopefully, those who would join would be genuine and serious about wanting a committed relationship.”
She said, “Well, he does have a point, and you being selective about which ones to join is smart. Okay, so let me help you manifest who this guy will be…
How tall is he going to be? How old? Like, from what age to what age is the youngest age, and what is the oldest age?
What color eyes?
What color hair?”
I told her, “I don’t know—I haven’t thought about looks… I am attracted to intelligence, someone I can communicate with, and similar values…”
I didn’t like where this conversation was going; I wasn’t prepared for these questions.
The only description I could think of was a description of you, starting with your dark eyes.
How was that helpful?
All I could imagine describing was your face, your hands…
You.
Inside me was a voice that said, “Maybe she is right, maybe if you focus on finding someone else, the lines that you just made between the two of you will be easier to live with.”
The line that I crossed:
I lied.
I put a line between us that I could not help but cross.
Is this that big of a deal?
It is.
Because I feel like you must think that I am weak.
That bothers me.
Badly.
I want you to know that I am disciplined, that I mean what I say, and that I will do what I say I will do.
Why is that important to me?
Why do I want you to see me that way?
Because that is who I should be.
That is who I am.
This may be true for every other person in my life, but it is not entirely accurate about who I am when it comes to you.
The line that I drew:
During the day, among the vendors knocking at my office door and the merchandising and ordering, I checked you off like you were just another item on my daily routine to-do list.
During the day, I was determined never to let myself stare at your eyes for too long, and I would not allow my emotions to blur their color into the black and white logic of my work days.
I wasn’t prepared for the anger I started to carry with me.
I was angry at work.
I was angry at home.
I felt separated from you for the first time since I saw you.
A part of me wanted you to turn away from me.
Because then I could feel hurt by you, get angry, and turn away from you in return.
I have been angry at myself for trying to convince myself to feel something I don’t.
Trying not to feel for you when I do has been wrong.
This anger I felt was something I was starting to take out on everyone else.
Until three nights ago, each night before sleep found me, I had been determined to let you go, facing the wall, I refused to acknowledge the space next to me.
The line that I erased:
That night, I gave in; I couldn’t take another day of distancing myself from you.
Before I drew this line, I looked forward to my nights with you.
To the dreams, the fantasies, the love, and our desire.
I couldn’t stay away.
I never wanted to stay away to begin with.
But I had.
It felt like a hundred nights that I was without you.
The restlessness overtook me as I roughly rubbed my calves with my fingertips.
Stretching helped ease the muscle pains that I felt in my body.
But it did nothing for the ache that was caused by the withdrawals I was having, for you.
Kneeling in the middle of my bed, I leaned back, tilted my chin towards the ceiling, and felt the pool of tension release in my back.
My breath escaped me, though, as suddenly a pressure was building…
At that moment, just before I had closed my eyes, I swear I felt you behind me, your arms possessive and hungry around me.
There is a need in your hands that makes me unable to contain my desires.
Under my shirt, your hands traveled.
Your fingertips tease my waist, but never go further.
My body writhes against you, aching for you to touch me everywhere.
I imagined grasping at your hands, pulling at them to touch me where I need you.
My breath is deep and shallow.
Grasping at the covers beneath me, I remember what it was like when your lips were against me in another place in another time.
Why else are you so familiar?
This is not the first time you have had me.
Again, though, contracts between us have been written, and our souls have once again made promises to each other in this life.
This can be the only answer to my questions regarding this love that holds me.
There are ties between us that will always pull you and me back together.
The familiar push of your strength against me, your taste, your lips…
How I remember you is the same here and now in this fantasy.
I sigh into the night, your name, and am faced with sudden reality.
Still, I can’t be deterred from what is building within me.
In the darkness, it doesn’t matter that your love for me is only a dream.
I need you.
I need your eyes. I need your hands.
Hands that I have known since the beginning were meant to hold me.
Some lines should never be drawn:
There is no gradual release of what I feel for you.
It will be someone new coming into my life, or you turning away from me, that changes all of this.
I know I lied to you.
I was also attempting to lie to myself.
I was wrong for that.
I am not someone who is okay with hiding how I feel.
I can’t unfeel all of these emotions that I have for you.
I can’t pretend that I don’t see you.
I can’t pretend that you don’t see me.
Some lines should never be drawn.
There is already a distance between us.
I can’t bear for there to be even more.
Still, I can’t help but wonder what you think.
Is it better to do what’s right or what is true to you?